Gremlins (1984)

Did you know Gremlins is based on a true story? 
It's not.

I watched Gremlins when I was very little. Which is quite surprising seeing as it was rated a 15. It is classed as a horror but as a child it never scared me, I just found it hilarious. Stripe and all those other Gremlins are evil but hilarious throughout the movie. I understood that it was a horror though. I mean, the theme music for one comes straight out of a Halloween film. It's awesome.

The darkest thing for me from the movie is the monologue by Kate, played by Phoebe Cates.

I guess she found out at a young age Santa wasn't real.

I think this is actually the scariest part of the movie. The slow rendition of Silent Night playing in the background makes the scene even more chilling.

Another scene that I always found disturbing was the snow plow scene. Knowing that Futterman and his wife were supposed to die always left me feeling uneasy. Even though he survives and is in Gremlins 2: The New Batch, I could never shake the feeling of how dark it was.

An even darker scene was actually cut from the movie. Billy comes home just in time to see his mother's head bouncing down the stairs. It was cut in order to make the movie more marketable as a family film and give way for more comedy. And there is lots of comedy. Let's not forget that this is a comedy/horror film, and although the Gremlins are evil and violent there is a lot more comedy than horror. 

My favourites include seeing uncharitable old bat Mrs. Deagle being launched out of her window on her stair lift. I ALWAYS laughed at that scene as it was very comedic and not realistic at all. So it was okay to laugh at an old woman dying. 

Ironically, the Gremlins themselves were the funniest part of the movie. They sang Christmas carols, (which leads up to Mrs. Deagle's death) sing along to the theme song from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs in the cinema, and have a blast in a bar getting up to all kinds of crazy shit.

Gremlins is definitely a Christmas film. It has tinsel, Christmas music, carolers, and Gizmo was a Christmas gift.


It has Christmas carolers!

It's just a very dark Christmas movie that's all. It's quite anti-Christmas I guess. It tears it to pieces, and even has Santa mauled by Gremlins.



But I have always loved it and the Gremlins for some reason never scared me as a kid. It didn't take itself serious in the slightest and embraces it's ridiculous plot. It should be shown every Christmas and every child should have to watch it, mainly for the ending;

"Bye bye, woof woof". 

Then when they're bad you can just tell them there's a Gremlin in the house. I'm sure that'll work.

A Chipmunk Christmas (1981)

The modern Chipmunk films are shit. They are really, really shit and completely ruined The Chipmunks. Horrible looking CGI chipmunks, who were just actual chipmunks instead of chipmunks with human features, sent shivers of sheer horror down my spine. I don't think I've ever used the word chipmunks in one paragraph so much. Chipmunks.

The cartoon series of The Chipmunks however were better. Yeah sure they're for kids so they probably weren't that great but at least they only lasted around 20 minutes so you didn't have to listen to high pitched voices for that long. When I was little I watched the Alvin and the Chipmunks series that ran from 1983-1990 on reruns and on VHS. The intro was so damn amazing too and upon watching it (many times) as I write this I remember how catchy and awesome it was.

Before this series though there was a Christmas special called A Chipmunk Christmas which was released in 1981. This Christmas special is one of the biggest flashbacks to my childhood. Watching it now brings so many feelings and memories flooding back. The feels.

Alvin learns of a boy called Tommy who is terminally sick. I know, how dark is that for a kids cartoon? Tommy's last wish is to have his own harmonica, so Alvin selflessly gives Tommy his own one. However, the Chipmunks have just been hired to play Carnegie Hall on Christmas Eve and Alvin is expected to deliver a harmonica solo. As the harmonica was a gift from Dave, Alvin feels that he cannot tell him what's happened, so Simon and Theodore help him make money so he can buy another one. Dave discovers that they are trying to make money to buy Alvin a gift for himself and assumes they don't know the spirit of Christmas.

Alvin has a nightmare, which is a pretty bad scene to be honest, and Dave hears him shouting "I need money" in his sleep and once again thinks Alvin is being selfish.

In the end though an old woman buys the harmonica for Alvin and he plays Carnegie Hall in front of Tommy, and giving him the harmonica has saved his life. So the gift of giving is a big message here.

At just about 20 minutes long this Christmas special seems a bit short but it is a pretty sweet story and it manages to get the message across without being too preachy. The animation is pretty traditional and although being done in the 80's, it looks a lot older which I absolutely love. I think the main hook though is the music. 'Christmas Don't be Late' and 'Wonderful Day' are performed and every time I hear these I get a nostalgic tingle down my spine.




I downloaded this special for my nieces and nephews a few years ago because I wanted them to be able to watch this too. And to remind them that kids TV now is shit and they missed out on some great things. Damn kids.

The Office: Classy Christmas (2010)

Usually, British TV exports to America are awful. America have tried recreating so many British TV shows; The Inbetweeners, Red Dwarf, The Vicar of Dibley, Dad's Army, Fawlty Towers, House of Cards. I could go on forever. Do you know what the common theme with all of these shows are? They pretty much all flopped in America. Really badly. You cannot take a British script and recreate it in America because the humour is just far too different. Now one of the only exceptions to this list is The Office. If anything, The US Office is actually funnier than the British version. It goes on a bit too long with it's 9 seasons, but overall it does a really good job.

The Office had many Christmas specials, and a lot of them were really good. My favourite is from Season 7; Classy Christmas. By now, The Office was well past its peak but this two-part episode remains a good one. 

The episode starts off hilariously with everyone stood outside waiting for an office group photo. They spend ages trying to get the perfect fun picture. They can never get it right, then it cuts to Michael in his office.

Jim declares that it's snowing much to the scrutiny of Dwight, so Jim goes outside, makes a snowball and comes back into the office and throws it at Dwight to prove a point. Jim refuses to apologise so Dwight challenges him to a snowball fight. An actual fight.

The main story in this episode is the temporary return of Holly Flax who is covering for Toby. His announcement is immediately interrupted by Michael who as usual verbally bullies him. 

Jim goes outside to meet Dwight for their snowball fight but Dwight is nowhere to be seen. There is only a snowman stood in the parking lot. He turns to go back inside to find the front door has been chained shut. Dwight then emerges from the snowman and bombards Jim with snowballs. BOMBARDMENT!

Later on Jim passes who he assumes to be Pam, but then Dwight turns around in the chair wearing a wig and women's clothing, then once again bombards Jim with snowballs.



This episode is so enjoyable for me because,unlike many Office episodes, this one isn't that funny. Not because the writing is bad, but because it's a sad episode. We see an emotional change in Michael. The return of Holly gives him the hope that they can start a life together, but when he learns she is in a long distance relationship with A.J, he not only becomes his usual jealous self, but he feels betrayed due to the fact that Holly told him a long distance relationship between them wouldn't work. This made Michael a sympathetic figure for once, and I actually started to turn on Holly. 

Obviously the snowball fights are hilarious but they do have a sinister side to them. Seeing Jim covered in his own blood due to Dwight's constant bombardment bought a bit more reality to the scenario and the always happy, chirpy Jim seemed broken.

But ultimately the episode tells us that all is not lost, and that things will always work out in the end. And I guess that's quite a promising message.

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (1989)

Say what you want about the decline in the quality of The Simpsons over the last decade, but it's hard to disagree with the fact that the very first episode, Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire, wasn't both groundbreaking and fantastic. Okay well it's technically not the very first episode as it appeared on The Tracey Ullmann Show in one minute shorts, but it then spun off into The Simpsons.



If you don't remember this episode, it introduces us to the Simpson family at Christmas. Marge has to spend all the Christmas money she saved on removing a tattoo from Bart's arm. Homer learns that he won't be receiving a Christmas bonus so takes up a job as a mall Santa. This doesn't pay as much as he initially thought so he puts money on a dog at the track; Santa's Little Helper. He of course doesn't even finish the race and is then abandoned by his owner outside. Homer takes him home to his family who are more than pleased.

Now although this episode probably has a place in every Simpsons fan's hearts, it's surprising to see, looking back, how slow and humorously sporadic this episode was. There were poor scene transitions, the animation wasn't great and this effected the pacing of the episode as a whole.  However, the structure for what The Simpsons would become was all there to see. Lisa was talented, Bart was an underachiever. Homer was a bumbling fool and was hated by Patty and Selma. Even Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner and Moe fit into their familiar roles.



Now you could argue that A Miracle on Evergreen Terrace is a much better Christmas episode. It's definitely funnier and The Simpsons was at it's best here. I mean, the part where the family buy a new car with everyone's donations then immediately destroy the car is hilarious.



But Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire is my favourite purely for the fact that it is so groundbreaking. At the time, family sitcoms were centered around the family unit who were safe depictions of the middle upper class. They were soft and docile, but The Simpsons, which aired two weeks before the end of the 1980's, was satirical, dark in places and seemed to mock the values of the traditional, wholesome American family. How many family sitcoms were there that showed an angry father sho strangled his son? Or has a young boy getting a tattoo, with a needle? And as we all know, the world went Simpsons mad and SimpsonMania was everywhere. And the episode delivers that cliche message that Christmas isn't about materialism and possessions, but in a more sincere way. When Homer realises he can't afford to buy his family any gifts we really relate to him, and in this episode The Simpsons sits more in the real world than in the exaggerated world we came to see.




When everything is at it's low point and Homer loses his money at the dog track, it's Santa's Little helper that gives his family the best gift of all; something to share their love. And you can't get more Christmassy than that.

Bad Santa (2003)

There aren't many movie Santas out there who will kick a reindeer to pieces, have sex with women in dressing rooms, beat up a teenager, drink on the job or drop constant f-bombs.



Bad Santa presents it's Santa in this exact way, and it is hilarious. Willie T. Soke is a depressed, drunk, unkempt, foul mouthed Santa played by the always amazing Billy Bob Thornton, and his character stays like this throughout the entire movie. There is no happy ending, and it's a fitting ending for the character.

Willie and his partner in crime, a dwarf called Marcus (Tony Cox), annually get gigs working as Santa and an elf. They always hide in the store after it has closed and break into the safe. This time however, the store's head of security, played by Bernie Mac, is on to them and wants a cut.

A child who sits on Willie's lap ends up obsessing over him and follows him around everywhere. He is desperately lonely and, despite knowing that Willie isn't Santa, calls him Santa and treats him like Santa. You'd have expected this sweet kid to create some positivity for Willie and redeem him. But he doesn't, and Willie ends up living at his house with him and his nana who is looking after him whilst his dad is 'away'. Only we know that he is in prison, something the poor kid will never realise. The only redeeming quality we see is that he starts to care slightly for the kid. By the way the kid's name is Thurman Merman.



I love this movie because, for one, it's hilarious. Willie's attitude to his job is exactly how many of us imagine we would act if we had to work as a Santa, but wouldn't have it in us or have the balls to give that less of a shit. It makes absolutely no compromises and takes no prisoners and leaves us with an original, fresh take on a movie Santa.



Whilst every other Christmas film is all about being good, learning the true meaning of Christmas, helping others and all that cliche stuff, Bad Santa stands alone as it just basically shits all over that goodness and gifts us a main character who is just a massive asshole and we have absolutely no reason to root for him at all. However I rooted for him the whole way through. I love a bit of a bastard character. There is a Bad Santa 2 which I am yet to watch, however I doubt it will be able to match up to the prequel. If you haven't seen Bad Santa then what the hell are you doing with your life?!

The Boondocks: A Huey Freeman Christmas (2005)

If you've never seen The Boondocks, here's what you need to know. Based on a cartoon strip created by Aaron McGruder, it follows the Freeman family; Huey, Riley and their granddad Robert. Huey is the main protagonist and is a political activist and borderline militant who regularly reflects on current events. Riley, his younger brother, is highly impressionable and embraces the gangsta lifestyle. Granddad is the legal guardian of Huey and Riley and fails to take any responsibility for his actions and never learns anything.

The show is about race and doesn't hold back and attacks politicians and celebrities of all races, constantly uses the N word and deals with everyday life brazenly. Just give it a watch and you'll know what I'm talking about.

'A Huey Freeman Christmas' isn't a traditional Christmas story. If anything, it attacks Christmas. It's plot is wound around holiday anger and frustration and features dual plots. Riley has tasked himself to make Santa 'pay what he owes' because he never delivered the gifts Riley asked for when he was living in the hood.



Huey is asked to write and direct the school Christmas play by his culturally sensitive teacher Mr. Uberwitz (voiced by Judge Reinhold), despite making it very clear that he doesn't give a damn about Christmas.



Riley a.k.a The Santa Stalker, torments and beats the mall Santa in front of loads of children and writes him a threatening letter.



Huey's play is met with protests and anger before it is even staged, due to the fact that he casts a black Jesus, and fires all of the children in favour of a production team worthy of Hollywood including Quincy Jones (Quincy Jones actually does the voice), Angela Bassett and others.

There's little warmth in this Boondocks episode. Granddad recites a Christian hymn with tears in his eyes and Huey immediately tells him that Christmas is a Pagan holiday and Jesus hates him for celebrating it.



It mocks people's uncertainty of why we celebrate Christmas; Jazmine, a friend of the boys, has a dream where she delivers a sermon about Santa, who she confuses with Jesus.

Huey's message is about the misunderstood origins of Christmas and racial identity. The episode also references the 1965 animated Christmas special 'A Charlie Brown Christmas', which is obvious from the episode title. The children, while supposed to be rehearsing for the play, dance like the kids in A Charlie Brown Christmas, and Huey even shouts, "Do I look like Charlie Brown?!". Hint taken. 



Now although I love this episode I'm not saying I hate Christmas, I love Christmas. I just enjoy the episode on it's effort to lambast Christmas and it's stone cold hard assery. And of course Boondocks does it hilariously. It pays homage to the past whilst creating an updated, original story for a contemporary audience. Definitely give this a watch, and the rest of The Boondocks for that matter, it's a pretty good TV show.

Die Hard (1988)

EXPLOSIONS! BLOOD! GERMAN TERRORISTS!

Not quite the recipe for a Christmas film is it? WRONG. That is in fact the perfect recipe for a Christmas film because all of this is in Die Hard and Die Hard is one of the best Christmas films of all time.

"Oh but it's an action film so it can't be a Christmas film". SHUT UP. Die Hard is so a Christmas film, and I'm going to tell you why. But first, have a gif.


Santa hat = Christmas

If you've never seen Die Hard, then you're a disgrace. In all seriousness Die Hard is one of the best and most defining action films of all time. At a time where action films were full of ripped, indestructible heroes like Stallone and Schwarzenegger, John McClane is thrown into a situation where he is the underdog. And instead of fighting his way through all of the bad guys easily like Stallone and Arnie, he has to go through absolute hell just to get to the end. And that makes him a relatable hero. Having a likable villain is what also makes Die Hard so good. Hans Gruber is definitely one of the best movie villains. He's sophisticated, smart, calm and collected and absolutely bad ass. And in case you weren't aware, Die Hard was Alan Rickman's DEBUT movie, and he absolutely smashed it.




So just fucking watch Die Hard 1-3. But don't watch the others, they're shit.

Anyway I digress, now to tell you why Die Hard is definitely a Christmas film.

For one, it takes place at Christmas! In the first two scenes we see John McClane land in LA on Christmas Eve and see him holding a big cuddly toy; a Christmas gift. He's off to a Christmas party at his wife Holly's firm. So the whole reason he is there in the first place is because it's Christmas!


Movie = Christmas

Christmas is referenced constantly throughout the film, and there's even a Christmas miracle!

Basically, John McClane is Santa and a weary traveller much like Joseph and Mary in the Nativity story . He gives the gift of freedom to all of the hostages and he has travelled long and far to see his family. Okay the weary traveller thing is a bit of a stretch but I don't care.

John McClane Claus delivering the git of freedom from a chimney/vent.


And the last reason, and it's a great reason, is that Die Hard contains the spirit of friendship. Christmas is all about goodwill to all men, and the strong bond between John and Sgt. Al Powell is touching, and when they finally meet there is always a tear in my eye.

So there you have it, Die Hard is a Christmas film and I refuse to believe otherwise because it would destroy me because it's one of my favourite films of all time. I watched it when I was about 7 (sorry mum) and was the only one at school who had seen it, as well as other films like Terminator, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween (sorry again mum) and I never tire of watching it.

If you're still not convinced then I guess there's just no reasoning with some people. Just know that you're a terrible person.