London Has Fallen

 

 London has Fallen: Team America but Shit

So since Angel has Fallen has just been released in cinemas I thought I'd do a review of it's predecessor; London Has Fallen.Ugh. 

London has Fallen is a buddy comedy action movie starring a Scottishman and an American set in the Great Fire of London.

You know, it's perfectly fine to enjoy a stupid, over the top film where you can switch off and enjoy some mindless action. But when the film is so flawed. So bad that you can't even enjoy the action, then it sucks. Just like the Transformer movies.

That's what London has Fallen does.

The 'plot'

A bad guy called Barkawi gets blown up by a drone strike which destroys the whole village. Spoiler alert he survives, SOMEHOW. We meet Mike Branning; (Gerard Butler) the personal Secret Service agent assigned to protect the worst President in the world Benjamin Asher (Aaron Eckhart) who he saved in the first film. Mike wants to resign but then the British Prime Minister suddenly dies so they have to go there for the funeral, along with all the other world leaders. They get there then out of nowhere 90% of the Police, Paramedics and Palace Guards all start gunning everyone down, buildings blow up and all the world leaders are killed off one by one in some stupid Final Destination shit. But not the American President, because Gerard Butler is an immortal hero and saves him. A car chase ensues, then they're in a helicopter and that crashes and Angela Bassett dies but they somehow escape unscathed, then they're chased by fucking motorbikes, then they end up in the London Underground, then the President gets captured, then he's about to be executed via live stream and then Gerard Butler arrives in the nick of time to save the day. THE END.

Now as I said before, it's fine to enjoy mindless action films, I certainly do. Independence Day, some of the Fast and Furious films. But this. This fucking film, is trash. Olympus has Fallen was set in the White House, so they were constantly trapped and it gave the film an almost Die Hard-esque claustrophobic feel to it. I mean it wasn't good but at least it had that. But London has Fallen is set in THE WHOLE OF FUCKING LONDON. London is massive. And instead of hiding the President like a logical, sane personal bodyguard would do, Gerard Butler drags him all over London, from one bad guy hideout to the next.And there's fucking HUNDREDS of them I mean how did this not arouse ANY suspicion with the local authorities?! And how did so many of the terrorists manage to infiltrate the police and the Palace Guards? That would take years to infiltrate. Like, YEARS. You have to join the army and train first you can't just buy a guards outfit, walk up to the gate and be like, "Yeah I'm new here it's my first day". And how did no one notice this guy blatantly planting a fucking bomb? He just leaves it there in view of everyone.

Do we not do background checks here? The film makes all of the British police and government so inept, to make them look stupid and shit compared to Gerard Butlers' hero. It's as if he wrote the script and cast himself in the role because all of his dialogue is so ridiculous. There's a scene where he hands the President a glass of water then says this actual line, "I don't know about you, but I am thirsty as fuck". Then we watch him down the glass of water. WHAT THE FUCK.

Everything he says is just bizarre and unnecessary and adds absolutely nothing to the story. He's also a racist, bloodthirsty fucking psychopath. Just look at this shit.

What does that even mean? That's racist. It's not just racist, it's Fuckheadistanist. Then he proceeds to slowly kill and torture the guy because he's fucking nuts. The amount of times he swears is just unneccessary too. It's as if a teenaged boy wrote some of the lines.

 

And this line. This line is my favourite. After killing a terrorist, he searches his body and finds a gun and a few grenades, then says, "He's got more ammunition than the entire US army". THE ENTIRE US ARMY. Literally everything in this film is over the top.

As if this wasn't bad enough, the CGI, greenscreen, editing and cinematography is just dire for a film with a budget of $60m in 2016. You could literally make the same looking explosions in After Effects in an hour.

The car chase scene could have been enjoyable but the terrible camera work and the amount of cuts just distracted me and I didn't enjoy it at all.

Butler's character is supposed to be the hero but he's not. He's just a bloodthirsty psychopath who seems to forget that he's guarding the President and just runs around like he's in a video game, but he's playing the game on the easiest setting and has the AI difficulty on easy. He contradicts himself by saying at the beginning, "These guys are pros" then later on when he's about to enter into their base and gets told there's a hundred of them, he says, "They're gonna need more men". So now they're not pros and he can take A HUNDRED of them all by himself?

Aaron Eckhart is just, stupid, and Angela Bassett dies in a helicopter crash from an After Effects explosion and she doesn't get a lot of screen time. And how and why is Morgan Freeman attached to this does he owe Gerard Butler a favour or something?

Alright, time to wrap this review up. Overall, London has Fallen is basically an "America, fuck yeah! We're better than everybody" patriotic propaganda movie just like American Sniper was. It's dumb, xenophobic and poorly, POORLY made and relies on lots of conveniences to help move the story along. It's a shouty, overly violent CGI mess and I can't see the next installment being any better.

Fuck you movie.

Blackadder's A Christmas Carol (1988)

There have been many variations of Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol' over the years, and although I very much love a number of them it is the mean spirited, black comedy Blackadder's Christmas Carol that is by far my favourite.

For those of you who have never watched any of Blackadder, here's a brief background. The BBC series follows the bad fortunes of the Blackadder family from the dark ages through to World War I. Rowan Atkinson (Mr Bean) plays all of them; the Medieval Prince Edmund, the son of the King of England, plans to steal the throne. Then Edmund Blackadder the advisor to Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson) who thinks of cunning plans to marry her. Then further removed from power is Blackadder the valet to mad Prince George (Hugh Laurie) who plans ways to get rich. Then Blackadder the captain in the trenches in WWI who simply wants to stay alive. Through every incarnation he is joined by Baldrick (Tony Robinson) who is incredibly loyal to Blackadder, and so stupid that it is impossible to insult him. However, trying to insult him is a hobby of Blackadder.

Having a good knowledge of British history is the only way to get all of the jokes through the series, but in Blackadder's Christmas Carol, the only thing you need to keep in mind is that all of the Blackadders through the ages have been the nastiest of humans. 

Ebenezer Blackadder, the owner of a moustache shop is the loveliest and kindest man in all of England. Poor but happy, he finds he is constantly taken advantage of by the poor and cunning. It is Christmas Eve and Blackadder and his servant Baldrick give away all their money, presents and food to the many guests who knock on the door.

During the night Blackadder is visited by the Spirit of Christmas who shows him the behaviour of his descendants and of his future family. Blackadder learns of their cruelty and how they are all rewarded in some way or other for their despicable behaviour. “Bad guys have all the fun” he exclaims.

He wakes up the next morning a different Blackadder. He is cruel and mean to everyone and ends up having Christmas dinner all to himself, leaving poor Baldrick with a wishbone. His only wish, “That there was some meat on this".

Along with the rest of the Blackadder series, this special shares an intelligent sense of humour. You’ll find everything from clever wordplay to creative insults all relating to Christmas. I watched this special in order to write this post and I forgot how incredibly funny it is. I laughed all the way through at the harsh insults and Dickens parodies. It’s a very clever Christmas special and has a cast of some of Britain’s greatest comedians including Jim Broadbent as Prince Albert, Miriam Margolyes as Queen Victoria and the usual Stephen Fry as Melchett. It’s a great twist on the beloved story and it’s definitely worth a watch.

The Polar Express (2004)

 

I got given this movie on DVD when it came out and I never even watched it. It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally watched it on TV one Christmas and I thought it was really good. The animation looks incredible; performance capture was used for this movie, which is when human actors perform movements which are then translated into lifelike animation.

The story for those of you who haven't seen it; a young boy who is starting to have doubts about whether Santa Claus is real boards a train heading to the North Pole. During the journey, along with a load of other children, he embarks on a journey of self discovery.

When they get to the North Pole and see Santa's town, it's not quite the cliche scene we usually expect. Instead of a snowy, happy looking village, it looks more like an industrial town full of elves who look like political activists instead of happy, toy making elves. And Santa himself is a nice man, but not overly happy and jolly. He's professional and his operation seems more like a professional business than a joyous, 'I do this because I enjoy it' type thing. But it's a great spectacle, and the operation is different to anything we're used to seeing, with a helicopter flying over and lifting a huge bag of toys and dropping int onto Santa's sleigh, knocking off the star on the tree and almost piercing a poor elf along the way.

There's a really fucking annoying kid in the movie who I just want to punch as soon as we meet him. Even if he is an animation, I still want to punch him and make him shut up. His voice is very annoying and you all know which character I'm talking about.


Fuck you.

This is a really good movie and it's safe to say it's not just for children. There's enough slightly deeper things going on that a child probably wouldn't notice, like the lonely boy who seems to have some trouble, and we get the feeling his loneliness still might be a problem even after he gets his present and returns home.

Tom Hank's conductor tells the children to get on the train throughout the movie, and it's something you should do too.

The Christmas Toy (1986)

 

The Christmas Toy is a Jim Henson creation. If you don't know who Jim Henson was, then shame on you. He was the creator of the Muppets. This Christmas special tells the story of a bunch of toys that come to life when no one is around. Sound familiar?

Rugby the tiger was a new toy last year and current favourite and is under the impression that he will be a part of Christmas again so decides to wrap himself up under the tree. It turns out that if toys are caught out in the open or not in their usual spot they will be frozen forever. Upon discovering Rugby's plan, the rest of the toys decide to try and stop him before he or any other toys are frozen forever.

The new toy in town that looks to replace Rugby is Meteora, 'Queen of the asteroids'. She doesn't think she's a toy but thinks she's from outer space. Wow Pixar, it's almost as if you aren't original or something!

 There's even a cute little mouse called Mew. Ha wow, let me guess, there's another mouse in it called Mewtwo? Now that WOULD be funny.

There is a bit of a problem with the frozen forever plot however as Mew ends up being caught on the landing and freezes, but then Rugby sings a song to him and he and loads of the other frozen toys magically come back to life too. So the whole being frozen forever thing is never properly explained so it loses it's plausibility. But, Rugby's love brought Mew back to life and this extends to the other toys who come back to life. None of the toys are truly forgotten whilst there are people around who love them. It's a fitting theme for Christmas, a time to let loved ones know you love them before it's too late. No heartfelt song can resurrect someone in real life.

I loved the Christmas Toy. Nostalgia takes me back to watching this as a child and hearing the songs again really took me back.

 
I remember one scene when the little clown toy was frozen forever after being found by the mum. It was quite a traumatising scene as a child for some reason. It's not as if I had an affinity with clowns or anything. Clowns are shit and are not funny or scary.

It's worth a watch as anything by Jim Henson is great. It's no Muppet Christmas Carol but it's still a fun, magical Christmas film.

South Park: Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics (1999)

There are many South Park Christmas specials, and they're all pretty good. Two of my favourites are animations that Trey Parker and Matt Stone created in the early 90's called The Spirit of Christmas. One is known as Jesus V Frosty, which has the boys build a snowman that comes to life and starts killing people.

The other is Jesus V Santa which has the two fighting over who Christmas is about and features the Mortal Kombat music.

These two technically aren't a part of the South Park series so I have chosen Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics from season 3. This South Park episode is unlike any other. There is no plot and has many of the main characters singing Christmas songs. We have The Dreidel Song by Kyle, Cartman, Stan and Kyle's parents where Kyle tries to teach Ike about Dreidels, but Cartman comes along and insults their religion.

Mr. Mackey sings 'Carol of the Bells' while dressed as a bell, Mr. Garrison sings 'Merry Fucking Christmas' where he goes to countries that don't celebrate Christmas and wishes all their denominations a merry fucking Christmas.

Cartman sings 'O, Holy Night' with all the wrong lyrics, Hitler and Satan sing 'Christmas Time in Hell', and Santa and Jesus perform a medley of Christmas songs, but Santa gets jealous as there are loads of songs about Jesus but hardly any about Santa, so he resorts to singing 'Rio' by Duran Duran.

The episode ends with the main characters and many of the female characters singing 'Have Yourself a Merry Christmas' in a tribute to voice actor Mary Kay Bergman, who voiced many of the female characters. She committed suicide earlier on in the year.

Throughout this episode, just before each ad break, is a news reporter repeating the phrase, "Fighting the Frizzies at 11". This is a reference to the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special. This was awful, and the less everyone knows about this special, the better. Chewbacca and his family, jeez.



There is an album of the same name that was released prior to this episode which contains more songs. South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker are gifted song writers and have won numerous awards for their original music. They even wrote Broadway musical The Book of Mormon.




Now I love South Park, I always have. I remember when it first aired in 1997 and obviously as a child I loved the profanity, but it wasn't until a few years later that I began to watch more of it. A lot of people say, "South Park? That show is stupid and immature, it's shit". These people are correct about the immature aspect of the earlier seasons, but South Park became what many shows have never done, and that is that it became a social commentary. It's tackled subjects such as sexism, P.C culture, social media, politics, religion, body images, racism and many more. So watch a later episode and clue yourself up. And definitely watch this Christmas episode, it's hilarious.

Father Christmas (1991)

This bloomin' great Christmas animation combines both of Raymond Briggs' Father Christmas books into one animation.

We follow Father Christmas (Voiced by the late Mel Smith, who was fantastic on Not the Nine O' Clock News) throughout the year when he is off work. He's in need of a proper good holiday so he goes to France, Scotland and Las Vegas. Everywhere he goes he can't get away from the fact that everyone is like, "Hey, he looks like Santa Claus". Which is what he wants to get away from.

He gets diarrhea in France whilst out camping and has to shit amongst the bushes and cows, and asks for chips and ketchup with his meal, perfectly capturing the real British tourist representation. (When I was in Malta last some British people asked for mayonnaise. Fucking mayonnaise)

He gets merry with the Scots and lives it large in Las Vegas before realising he is too old for it all and heads back to rainy England to start preparing for Christmas.

This animation is a staple part of British TV at Christmas and is usually shown alongside Raymond Briggs' other creation; The Snowman. Even James and his snowman friend from that film feature in Father Christmas when Santa goes to the North Pole for a wild party full of debauchery with lots of other snowmen. Once again the animation is fantastic with it's simple but effective soft crayoned cells and layouts.

It's nowhere near as sad as The Snowman (there's no death in this one) but Santa is presented as pretty damn grumpy and we get to see how he lives every day. His dog and cat make the animation all the better for me, as they constantly follow him everywhere and annoy him, much like real pets do. Actually, the saddest part of the whole animation is when he takes the pets to the kennels before he goes on holiday. That part always made me sad as a kid. It was almost as upsetting as Gromit leaving home.

I'm fairly sure everyone has seen Father Christmas, it's on every year so there's no escaping it. And who can forget that brilliant theme song? ALL TOGETHER NOW...

Santa World: Dusty's Tale (1991?)

I doubt anyone reading this has ever seen or ever heard of this TV movie. There is nothing online about it except for it being on Youtube. However I'm sure you've all actually seen the characters from it before without realising it. They all feature in Shakin' Stevens' music video for Merry Christmas Everyone from 1991.

It is a Swedish movie set in Santa World in Mora, a place you can actually visit.


Dusty's Tale tells the story of Dusty the Snowman, a snowman (obviously) with a stammer who is built by children in the winter but melts in the spring. This is very lonely.

He wishes to find Santa as there is a legend among snowmen that he can grant eternal life. He runs into a snow queen randomly who listens to his sorry tale and with her magic powers freezes him for one summer, but after that he's on his own.

I just want to point out now that the Dusty costume is shit. It's really shit. His eyes are just foam or paper which don't move, and later in the movie they're replaced with sad eyes. It's like stop animation, but not.

So Dusty spends his summer fucking around playing with children like an adult who lacks the social skills to interact with other adults so hangs around with small children instead. Somehow he manages to forget to look for Santa, so ends up looking for him on Christmas Eve. Yep, it's almost as easy to forget as forgetting to buy milk. If he doesn't get Santa to grant him life on Christmas Day it will be too late.

When he does go looking for Santa though, Santa is a dick and spends the whole movie running and hiding from him.

Then at the very end just turns up like, "Na I was just fucking with you". Santa is harsh. You're a dick Santa.

Upon watching the movie recently I completely forgot how creepy Santa is. Not only does he have cameras in his house so he can watch the children playing, but he just looks like a creep. He's not Santa Claus, he's pedo Clause. That's definitely how it looks.

However, I loved this movie as a child (and I was probably the only one who did and had even seen it) and even though I've now realised how creepy and shit it is, I still love it. Once again, it makes me reminisce on my childhood and now I can't get the theme song out of my head.

Check it out, you can watch it on Youtube here and it's only half an hour long. I'm sure you can all take time away from Facebook to watch it.