Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (1989)

Say what you want about the decline in the quality of The Simpsons over the last decade, but it's hard to disagree with the fact that the very first episode, Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire, wasn't both groundbreaking and fantastic. Okay well it's technically not the very first episode as it appeared on The Tracey Ullmann Show in one minute shorts, but it then spun off into The Simpsons.



If you don't remember this episode, it introduces us to the Simpson family at Christmas. Marge has to spend all the Christmas money she saved on removing a tattoo from Bart's arm. Homer learns that he won't be receiving a Christmas bonus so takes up a job as a mall Santa. This doesn't pay as much as he initially thought so he puts money on a dog at the track; Santa's Little Helper. He of course doesn't even finish the race and is then abandoned by his owner outside. Homer takes him home to his family who are more than pleased.

Now although this episode probably has a place in every Simpsons fan's hearts, it's surprising to see, looking back, how slow and humorously sporadic this episode was. There were poor scene transitions, the animation wasn't great and this effected the pacing of the episode as a whole.  However, the structure for what The Simpsons would become was all there to see. Lisa was talented, Bart was an underachiever. Homer was a bumbling fool and was hated by Patty and Selma. Even Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner and Moe fit into their familiar roles.



Now you could argue that A Miracle on Evergreen Terrace is a much better Christmas episode. It's definitely funnier and The Simpsons was at it's best here. I mean, the part where the family buy a new car with everyone's donations then immediately destroy the car is hilarious.



But Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire is my favourite purely for the fact that it is so groundbreaking. At the time, family sitcoms were centered around the family unit who were safe depictions of the middle upper class. They were soft and docile, but The Simpsons, which aired two weeks before the end of the 1980's, was satirical, dark in places and seemed to mock the values of the traditional, wholesome American family. How many family sitcoms were there that showed an angry father sho strangled his son? Or has a young boy getting a tattoo, with a needle? And as we all know, the world went Simpsons mad and SimpsonMania was everywhere. And the episode delivers that cliche message that Christmas isn't about materialism and possessions, but in a more sincere way. When Homer realises he can't afford to buy his family any gifts we really relate to him, and in this episode The Simpsons sits more in the real world than in the exaggerated world we came to see.




When everything is at it's low point and Homer loses his money at the dog track, it's Santa's Little helper that gives his family the best gift of all; something to share their love. And you can't get more Christmassy than that.

Bad Santa (2003)

There aren't many movie Santas out there who will kick a reindeer to pieces, have sex with women in dressing rooms, beat up a teenager, drink on the job or drop constant f-bombs.



Bad Santa presents it's Santa in this exact way, and it is hilarious. Willie T. Soke is a depressed, drunk, unkempt, foul mouthed Santa played by the always amazing Billy Bob Thornton, and his character stays like this throughout the entire movie. There is no happy ending, and it's a fitting ending for the character.

Willie and his partner in crime, a dwarf called Marcus (Tony Cox), annually get gigs working as Santa and an elf. They always hide in the store after it has closed and break into the safe. This time however, the store's head of security, played by Bernie Mac, is on to them and wants a cut.

A child who sits on Willie's lap ends up obsessing over him and follows him around everywhere. He is desperately lonely and, despite knowing that Willie isn't Santa, calls him Santa and treats him like Santa. You'd have expected this sweet kid to create some positivity for Willie and redeem him. But he doesn't, and Willie ends up living at his house with him and his nana who is looking after him whilst his dad is 'away'. Only we know that he is in prison, something the poor kid will never realise. The only redeeming quality we see is that he starts to care slightly for the kid. By the way the kid's name is Thurman Merman.



I love this movie because, for one, it's hilarious. Willie's attitude to his job is exactly how many of us imagine we would act if we had to work as a Santa, but wouldn't have it in us or have the balls to give that less of a shit. It makes absolutely no compromises and takes no prisoners and leaves us with an original, fresh take on a movie Santa.



Whilst every other Christmas film is all about being good, learning the true meaning of Christmas, helping others and all that cliche stuff, Bad Santa stands alone as it just basically shits all over that goodness and gifts us a main character who is just a massive asshole and we have absolutely no reason to root for him at all. However I rooted for him the whole way through. I love a bit of a bastard character. There is a Bad Santa 2 which I am yet to watch, however I doubt it will be able to match up to the prequel. If you haven't seen Bad Santa then what the hell are you doing with your life?!

The Boondocks: A Huey Freeman Christmas (2005)

If you've never seen The Boondocks, here's what you need to know. Based on a cartoon strip created by Aaron McGruder, it follows the Freeman family; Huey, Riley and their granddad Robert. Huey is the main protagonist and is a political activist and borderline militant who regularly reflects on current events. Riley, his younger brother, is highly impressionable and embraces the gangsta lifestyle. Granddad is the legal guardian of Huey and Riley and fails to take any responsibility for his actions and never learns anything.

The show is about race and doesn't hold back and attacks politicians and celebrities of all races, constantly uses the N word and deals with everyday life brazenly. Just give it a watch and you'll know what I'm talking about.

'A Huey Freeman Christmas' isn't a traditional Christmas story. If anything, it attacks Christmas. It's plot is wound around holiday anger and frustration and features dual plots. Riley has tasked himself to make Santa 'pay what he owes' because he never delivered the gifts Riley asked for when he was living in the hood.



Huey is asked to write and direct the school Christmas play by his culturally sensitive teacher Mr. Uberwitz (voiced by Judge Reinhold), despite making it very clear that he doesn't give a damn about Christmas.



Riley a.k.a The Santa Stalker, torments and beats the mall Santa in front of loads of children and writes him a threatening letter.



Huey's play is met with protests and anger before it is even staged, due to the fact that he casts a black Jesus, and fires all of the children in favour of a production team worthy of Hollywood including Quincy Jones (Quincy Jones actually does the voice), Angela Bassett and others.

There's little warmth in this Boondocks episode. Granddad recites a Christian hymn with tears in his eyes and Huey immediately tells him that Christmas is a Pagan holiday and Jesus hates him for celebrating it.



It mocks people's uncertainty of why we celebrate Christmas; Jazmine, a friend of the boys, has a dream where she delivers a sermon about Santa, who she confuses with Jesus.

Huey's message is about the misunderstood origins of Christmas and racial identity. The episode also references the 1965 animated Christmas special 'A Charlie Brown Christmas', which is obvious from the episode title. The children, while supposed to be rehearsing for the play, dance like the kids in A Charlie Brown Christmas, and Huey even shouts, "Do I look like Charlie Brown?!". Hint taken. 



Now although I love this episode I'm not saying I hate Christmas, I love Christmas. I just enjoy the episode on it's effort to lambast Christmas and it's stone cold hard assery. And of course Boondocks does it hilariously. It pays homage to the past whilst creating an updated, original story for a contemporary audience. Definitely give this a watch, and the rest of The Boondocks for that matter, it's a pretty good TV show.

Die Hard (1988)

EXPLOSIONS! BLOOD! GERMAN TERRORISTS!

Not quite the recipe for a Christmas film is it? WRONG. That is in fact the perfect recipe for a Christmas film because all of this is in Die Hard and Die Hard is one of the best Christmas films of all time.

"Oh but it's an action film so it can't be a Christmas film". SHUT UP. Die Hard is so a Christmas film, and I'm going to tell you why. But first, have a gif.


Santa hat = Christmas

If you've never seen Die Hard, then you're a disgrace. In all seriousness Die Hard is one of the best and most defining action films of all time. At a time where action films were full of ripped, indestructible heroes like Stallone and Schwarzenegger, John McClane is thrown into a situation where he is the underdog. And instead of fighting his way through all of the bad guys easily like Stallone and Arnie, he has to go through absolute hell just to get to the end. And that makes him a relatable hero. Having a likable villain is what also makes Die Hard so good. Hans Gruber is definitely one of the best movie villains. He's sophisticated, smart, calm and collected and absolutely bad ass. And in case you weren't aware, Die Hard was Alan Rickman's DEBUT movie, and he absolutely smashed it.




So just fucking watch Die Hard 1-3. But don't watch the others, they're shit.

Anyway I digress, now to tell you why Die Hard is definitely a Christmas film.

For one, it takes place at Christmas! In the first two scenes we see John McClane land in LA on Christmas Eve and see him holding a big cuddly toy; a Christmas gift. He's off to a Christmas party at his wife Holly's firm. So the whole reason he is there in the first place is because it's Christmas!


Movie = Christmas

Christmas is referenced constantly throughout the film, and there's even a Christmas miracle!

Basically, John McClane is Santa and a weary traveller much like Joseph and Mary in the Nativity story . He gives the gift of freedom to all of the hostages and he has travelled long and far to see his family. Okay the weary traveller thing is a bit of a stretch but I don't care.

John McClane Claus delivering the git of freedom from a chimney/vent.


And the last reason, and it's a great reason, is that Die Hard contains the spirit of friendship. Christmas is all about goodwill to all men, and the strong bond between John and Sgt. Al Powell is touching, and when they finally meet there is always a tear in my eye.

So there you have it, Die Hard is a Christmas film and I refuse to believe otherwise because it would destroy me because it's one of my favourite films of all time. I watched it when I was about 7 (sorry mum) and was the only one at school who had seen it, as well as other films like Terminator, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween (sorry again mum) and I never tire of watching it.

If you're still not convinced then I guess there's just no reasoning with some people. Just know that you're a terrible person.

The Snowman (1982)

 


Ah, The Snowman. Probably the most famous British Christmas animation. It's shown every year and everyone knows the 'Walking in the Air' soundtrack and tries to sing in the correct pitch but never can. But actually, The Snowman was not even meant to be about Christmas.

The author, Raymond Briggs, wrote the children's book in the late 70's and said it was about death, and was a way of introducing children to mortality. That's pretty fucking dark Raymond, you miserable bastard.


 
 Savage

 But the TV adaptation was "hijacked by Christmas sentimentality" and now everyone associates it with Christmas.

 

The story is simple; a nameless boy (Apparently the boy is called James, a little known fact) builds a snowman in his garden, it comes to life, and they both go on an adventure facing both pleasures and dangers in a short space of time. Then the snowman melts and dies. The end. Yep, pretty dark. But everyone still loves it! I guess I love it because once again, it's that reminiscent feeling I get from watching it. Taking me back to my childhood innocence where I wasn't fully aware of the theme of mortality in the film. I'll always love the old school drawing style that you don't see anymore and the simple yet effective story. For children it is just a magical Christmas film but adults have the ability to watch the whole film and take in the message.

I feel more like a child when I watch it. That exciting feeling I got from it, preparing me for Christmas, getting me excited for snow. Unfortunately now we never get any snow so the liklihood of me building a snowman isn't great. But you know what I mean. The Snowman means Christmas!

Merry Christmas Mr. Bean (1992)

There will never be a show like Mr. Bean, ever again. The sheer simplicity of the show itself is what made it so great. With barely any dialogue, it relies on the physical comedy of Rowan Atkinson's creation who manages to get himself into ridiculous situations. The first episode aired on the very first day of the 1990's and ended at the end of 1995. I grew up watching Mr. Bean and that simplicity I mentioned makes it easy for children to watch it. The beautiful thing about having no dialogue is that the show transcends all cultures and languages. We see him falling asleep in church, anaesthising his dentist and blowing up his flat. But it's his antics at Christmas that are the best.

Bean is doing his Christmas shopping in Harrods and his shopping includes Christmas lights and one bauble, both which he tests out in store. Whilst paying for his many items, he notices a nativity scene which he begins to play with. As the episode goes on he pulls Santa's beard, conducts an orchestra, steals a big tree, makes a big cracker out of other crackers and of course, has the incident with the turkey in what is probably the most famous Mr. Bean sketch.

He also pisses of his girlfriend. Actually he's pretty harsh to her and it's hilarious. Not hilarious because she deserved it or anything but because he genuinely has no social skills whatsoever and has no idea how to interact with people in general, and his overexaggerated way of doing this is hilarious. He is himself an alien amongst people and that's kinda what the show is about, him trying to cope with everyday situations which he manages to exacerbate to a ridiculous level. Even the intro to the show has him falling out of the sky and hitting the ground, so maybe this the way the character was intended to be.

 Unlike most Christmas specials which have some message about family or friends or togetherness, there isn't really a message here. Bean just does what he usually does and gets himself into trouble, he doesn't learn anything and at the end of the episode everything has gone completely wrong for him; he has no turkey dinner, his girlfriend has walked out on him and his huge cracker seems to cause a massive flashbang inside his flat which probably wasn't good. But despite this it's one of my yearly Christmas go-to watches, mainly for that crafty nostalgia. It always makes me remember being a kid and reenacting the nativity scene whenever I came across a set. And I once addressed Christmas cards to myself in the school postbox like Bean does, much to the delight and laughter of my friends.

It's simple, funny and Christmassy so what more could you want? If you want some retro laughs, it's on Youtube for free so please watch it.

Jingle All the Way (1996)

GET TO DA TURBO MAHN!

I don't have as much to say about Jingle All the Way as I did about Home Alone. Mainly because there aren't really any layers to the characters or plot like Kevin and the burglars had, and it's not a great film, and I'm pretty sure they made a terrible sequel too, but here we go. And it's an Arnie film so of course it's terribly great.

So Ahnold plays Howard Langston who's some sort of businessman who is always too busy for his family. His annoying son Timmy or Jimmy or Jamie watches a TV show called Turbo Man and wants one of the action figures for Christmas, but somehow busy Howard forgets to buy his son the toy, as you do, and has a race against time to find one. He runs into a man in the same situation, a disgruntled postal worker called Myron (played by Sinbad) and they go through the film as friends, enemies and friends again as his role isn't actually given any grounding and we never know if he's good or bad. But he's funny, so I guess that makes it okay.

They go through a load of hoops to try and find this rare Turbo Man, from winning a raffle, to winning it from a radio station and even chasing down a child in a kids play centre and grabbing the ball out of the child's mouth. (Another scene that would never be allowed to be filmed these days) Howard also ends up in a factory full with crook Santas, one of which is played by Paul Wight A.K.A The Big Show.

There's a big special effects ending which actually doesn't look too bad, and everyone is happy. Yayy.

Although the film isn't particularly that great I still loved it as a kid. The stupidity of the film, especially Myron's character, was just funny. And Ahnold punches a reindeer in the face then gives it beer. He also shouts some of my favourite Arnie quotes, "He got two!", and "Who told you you could eat my cookies?!"

   

But when I got a bit older I realised the film discusses themes such as alcoholism, crime, divorce and materialism and I'm very sure that the only people this film would appeal to is fathers going through the exact same situation as Howard. The film mainly glorifies the materialism of Christmas and makes the whole film about finding the only toy that annoying little Timmy will appreciate, and then at the end he just decides he doesn't even want the toy anymore because his dad is now his hero. Yeah, have fun playing with your no-Turbo Man doll while your dad is being a busy businessman and forgetting about you again, you little jerk.